The Cat, the Tuxedo, and the Halloween Moon
by Jo Z. Pierce
Summary: Entry into the Black Cat or a Tux GAH Challenge. Bill Maxwell encounters a black cat or two on a moonlit Halloween night. Rated T for sexual suggestions. And a little Mary Sue...
1. Chapter 1 House Sitting

This is my entry into the 2006 GAH "Black Cat or a Tux" Fanfic challenge The story must be a halloween story, and use the lines _"Was that a black cat? Or a tuxedo?"_ and _It looked like it had a white goatee_.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or situations created for tGAH; I borrow them out of love, and purely for entertainment purposes only. I make no profit from their use. I am using another character, Rufus the dog, as created by _and her magical cat Roscoe. _Thanks to _and...Roscoe_ for letting Rufus out on walks with the rest of us...

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**The Cat, the Tuxedo, and the Halloween Moon**

**Chapter 1. House Sitting**

Bill Maxwell barged into the house without knocking. He turned and quickly shut the door, as if he was hiding from something dangerous. Cautiously, he spied out the window with squinty eyes.

"I hate this, Ralph! I really do!"

Ralph jumped a little, as he turned to see his friend at the door.

"All those kids out there, Ralph! Would ya getta load of that? Oh! They better not toilet paper my car!"

Bill eyes were fixed on the groups of costumed children walking through the street, carrying small plastic flashlights and brightly colored bags. The tall federal agent was terrified of the scene, and obsessed with what was happening outside. He didn't even notice the playful red haired dog as it came bounding out of the bedroom to greet Bill at the door. Feeling the dog jumping up on his leg, Bill finally looked down to acknowledge him.

"Good boy, Rufus! You wanna go hunting tonight?" Bill asked, teasing, as he watched the children go by.

"Bill..." Ralph said, in a disapproving voice.

Bill looked up to see Ralph Hinkley standing across the room. The blond looked all too familiar, dressed in a top hat, and tuxedo with tails. In his hand, he carried a long wand.

"Oh boy, Ralph! What are you going as? Carlini!" Bill looked at Ralph suspiciously.

"Carlini? That's not funny, Bill," Ralph said, again with that same disapproving tone.

Bill turned to the window, and tried to ignore his friend, as his eyes became fixed on the children outside. Ralph opened his arms wide, and lifted his left leg onto a chair. His voice changed tone, as he made the announcement for his friend. "This year, I am going as a Circus Ringmaster!"

Without looking back at him, Bill simply responded, "you're making my eyes water..."

"Well, Bill, thanks for helping us out. I figured since you weren't doing anything tonight, you wouldn't mind staying here and handing out some candy to the kids. You know, while we chaperone the kids at Whitney High's Costume Party. Usually the party doesn't fall the same night as Halloween, but this year...being on a Friday..."

"As long as you stocked up the fridge. You did clean it out since last week?"

Ralph chuckled. "I knew I forgot something."

"That's getting real old, Ralph," Bill said, as he pulled himself away from the door and settled into the couch. Rufus jumped up and sat next to him. "What's on the tv?"

Ignoring his partner's lack of interest, Ralph held out his wand, and returned to a louder version of his Ringmaster voice. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of all ages! Behold my most beautiful assistant... the very talented, the very beautiful, Pamela Hinkley!"

With that cue, Pam emerged from the bedroom. Bill ignored the whole scene, until Pam cleared her throat. Looking up at her, Bill could not believe his eyes.

"What the...! Counselor! What are you too doing!" Wide eyed, he stared at Pam, posing by the door in a red superhero suit.

The cape was familiar. However, the rest of the suit was altered, almost beyond recognition. The cloth was tighter, and the cut was significantly more revealing. The top was a much tighter version of the original, falling just below the hips, and cinched with a grey belt. The alien symbol on Pam's chest hugged her curves much better than Ralph's. The long red pants were much tighter, and possibly more transparent. Finally, instead of Ralph's clunky spats and boots, Pam stood in a pair of red stiletto heels.

Bill put his hand up to his mouth, as it gaped open."Ralph! What is going on here?" Bill said, his voice almost squeaky. Finally, he cleared his throat, and dropped his voice two octaves.

"What did you two do to the suit!"

Ralph and Pam looked at Bill for a minute, each with a hurt look in their eyes. Finally, they turned to one another, and both began to laugh.

"I told you he would flip out, Ralph," Pam finally said, as she caught her breath.

"What? Huh?"

"Aw, come on Bill, do you think we would really cut up the suit like that? We put this together. It's just a costume!"

Breathing out, deeply, Bill shot angry glances at the two. Finally, as he gained his composure, he stood up tall, and barked at the two. "Are you two done with all this kidding around?"

"Yes, Bill. We are." Pam said, seriously. "But don't get me angry, or I'll have to take you for a little spin up to the roof!" Again, she laughed.

Pam and Ralph came together, and Ralph put his arm around his wife. "Well, Bill, we really appreciate you watching the house tonight!"

Bill shook his head and checked his pulse, as he walked across the room and into the kitchen. Rufus bounded after him.

"Oh yeah, Bill," Pam called out after Bill. "Skip the biscuits, I picked up a fish sandwich for you. And some fries. Eat up, before it gets cold."

Bill returned from the kitchen with a bottle and a greasy paper bag. He opened it, sniffed inside, and curled up his nose.

"How long has that been sitting in there?" Bill asked, disgusted. He returned to the couch, turned up the volume on the tv, and completely ignored his friends as he flipped through the channels.

Ralph gathered up his things, took Pam by the arm, and walked towards the door.

"Thanks Bill. I really didn't want to skip giving out candy to the kids this year, Bill! Last year, when we didn't, when we were working on that Carlini case, they egged the house!"

Bill held up his hand, and shooed goodbye to the couple.

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Author's note: Halloween did not happen on a Friday night in the Post-Rufus Era (1983 or1984). Then again, why don't you people go about your business! Who cares what you think, anyway?


	2. Chapter 2 Trick or Soup

**Chapter 2. Trick or Soup**

Rufus pawed at the bag of fish. Bill was too suspicious of the slightly rancid smell, so it sat on the coffee table as he rummaged through the kitchen for something else during the commercial. As he returned to the couch, sandwich and beer in his hands, he noticed the fish and its bag on the floor, about to be devoured by a ravenous red dog.

"Oh, no you don't, boy." He put his sandwich and drink on the coffee table, and quickly gathered up the bag, the wrapped fish sandwich, and the few remaining fries, trying to escape. Again, smelling the bag, he walked to the side door and tossed the whole thing into the tin garbage bins out in the back.

As he walked back to the couch, the doorbell rang. "Already?" Bill looked around for a bowl of candy.

"Geez, Ralph, you forgot to leave out the candy!"

The doorbell rang again. And again, and again. Impatient, the visitor rang several more times in rapid succession.

"Ah, come on. Gimme a break."

As if hearing Bill's annoyance through the door, the visitor pressed on the bell and held it there.

Bill peeked through the window, and saw three white sheets standing in front of him, each with two holes cut for eyes. As the tallest continued to press his finger against the ringer, Bill decided to teach them a lesson in doorbell etiquette.

Bill pulled open the door, violently, and cried out "BOO!" Scared, they jumped several inches, screamed, and scurried away into the Halloween night. Their chaperone, a tall figure dressed in the same white costume, shook her head in disgust.

With a little laugh, Bill shut the door, then began a desperate search for bags of candy bars and lollipops. The kitchen cupboards held nothing but tins of tuna and cans of soup. In a pinch, Bill thought, that would have to do.

The doorbell rang again as Bill rummaged through the kitchen. The buzz continued, as the cupboards flew open. Giving up, he grabbed three cans of Chicken and Stars soup and headed for the door.

The door flung open. Five children stood facing him. The youngest, a girl dressed as an angel, held up a plastic pumpkin bucket, filled with candies and chocolates. Looking up to the tall man in the door, she sang out the words "Trick or Treat!"

"Ok, Ok," Bill said, in desperation, "But I've only got enough for three of you." Deciding to give his treats to the youngest three, he gently placed the red and white labeled cans in their plastic bags and pumpkin baskets. The other two children, only slightly older, looked up at Bill with tears swelling up in their eyes. Exasperated, Bill reached deep into his pockets and pulled out all his loose change, and split it between the two. Before he accepted returns on the cans of soup, he sent the confused children away, back into the dark.

As he shut the door, he mumbled a few choice words, all directed at Ralph.

The search for lollipops and candy continued, as Bill moved into the dining room. This was a mission, and nothing - not even the scarfing sounds of Rufus devouring a long forgotten sandwich - would distract the man. Rummaging through china cabinets and drawers, Bill removed his jacket and tie, and rolled up his sleeves.

The door rang again. He reached into his pocket again, and took out a few crumpled dollar bills.

Opening the door, he quickly jumped back, in shock. Bill Maxwell shouted out a few mild expletives at the small gray alien being standing alone in the doorway. Unfazed, the child began to giggle underneath the gray alien mask, molded in rubber, and appreciating what he thought was an older man playing along with him on Halloween.

"Mister, you like my costume? I'm E.T.! Like in the movie."

Bill wiped a few beads of sweat off his eyebrow, then looked up to see the child's mother and father, smiling back at him.

"Uh, yeah, kid. It's great!"

"He loved that movie," his mom added. "He just had to have this costume!"

Bill cautiously approached the child and, as if he were feeding a shark, quickly dropped the dollar bills into his pumpkin bucket.

"Thanks for playing along!" the father said, as his wife and child walked away. "Anyone ever tell you that you're a pretty good actor!"

Blinking widely, Bill closed the door behind him.

He was defeated. He'd fought off mobsters, witch doctors, kidnappers and spies only to be defeated by a parade of eight year olds dressed in witch hats and pirate costumes.


	3. Chapter 3 The Rufus Maneuver

**Chapter 3. The Rufus Maneuver **

Bill Maxwell sat staring at the door, apparently in shock. A big pile of soup cans, tins of tuna fish, a half empty jar of honey and an open box of dog biscuits were collected on the small table by the door, all waiting to be distributed.

He was getting used to the odd stares. He could deal with the nasty remarks. Sure, he hated when the kids pointed at his holster and gun and asked if he was wearing a mobster costume. But it was the look of disappointment on the faces of the young kids that got to him, every time. Still, he had no more cash to bribe them with, and the mad searches for tootsie rolls and candy corn kept coming up negative.

He hung a scribbled sign on the door saying "No More Candy!" Someone tore it down. He moved the car out of the driveway and onto the streets. They assumed he rode a bike, and sensed that he was home. He once tried to shut the lights; sitting in the dark living room, they still swarmed the house like soldier ants.

This was war, Bill Maxwell decided. Sometimes he could pull the Rufus Maneuver, and distract the children by offering a few moments of play time with the red puppy. But those battles sometimes backfired, he learned, as Rufus would escape and run down the street, followed by a long line of children chasing him.

Still, Maxwell wasn't about to give up the good fight. Even if he had to fight them off with expired canned goods, he was going to stand his ground.

The doorbell rang again.

"You ready, Rufus?" Bill asked his favorite backup.

He grabbed a can of tuna fish and pulled the door open. Standing in front of him was a petite, pretty woman, carefully made up in a pussycat costume. A set of black ears was perched on top of her raven hair, and her eyes were lined in black kohl. A tight black leotard hugged her curves, and a long black tail bounced out from behind her. Black fishnet stockings stretched down to just below her knees, where they hid beneath tall black leather boots.

As Bill stood staring at her, holding out a can of tuna fish, he thought that there might have been a few kids with her. But he wasn't sure.


	4. Chapter 4 Pussycat, Pussycat

**Chapter 4. Pussycat, Pussycat**

The woman stared back at Bill as he stood in the doorway. She was caught in his gaze as much as he was in hers. Realizing the stare lasted a little too long, she smiled, dropped her eyes, and began to blush.

Two children, dressed in heavily padded gray mouse costumes, looked up at the man and cried out "Trick or Treat!"

As if being shaken from a dream, Bill glanced down at the children. They were cute. Not cute because they were small. They were truly cute, with round chubby features and bright red hair. And, based on their facial features, they clearly did not belong to the woman in front of him. Again, he looked at the woman, this time with a broad smile.

She was embarrassed, and surprised, finding herself attracted to the middle aged man standing at the door, holding out an old can of tuna fish. She looked at the can, then extended her arm which was covered in long black gloves. Smiling, she graciously accepted it; the can hung in limbo between each of their fingertips, as they both held a side of the tin.

"Thank you. It's my favorite," she purred coyly, clearly in reference to her costume. Surprised at her brazenness, she pulled at the can, blushed and averted her eyes, pretending to look at the children standing in front of her.

Bills raised his eyebrows, and cleared his throat. He looked shell shocked. For the first time tonight he was honestly angry at Ralph. It wasn't because of the hassle he had been through, or the odd encounters he had with ghosts, gremlins and gobblins all night.

He was angry that Ralph had made him look like an old fool in front of the pretty pussycat standing in the Halloween moonlight, right there at the door.

He wanted to say something to her. _Make a joke_, he thought. But as hard as he tried, his thoughts were muddled, and only belabored and exasperated gasps of air came through his lips. His breathing became erratic, and his heart skipped more than a few beats.

The two stood silently, at opposite sides of the doorway.

"Trick or treat!" one of the children finally repeated, as he grew impatient. Again, Bill looked down, as if surprised there were children around at all.

Finally, he looked back at the women in black cat ears and broke the awkward silence.

"I'm sorry, but I ran out of candy." It was not completely the truth, but a desperate attempt to salvage some of his dignity in front of the five foot tall pussycat standing in front of him.

With a smile, she simply mouthed the words "That's ok" back to him.


	5. Chapter 5 The Rufus Maneuver, Revisited

**Chapter 5. The Rufus Maneuver, Revisited**

Bill Maxwell crouched down, with his hand inside the box of biscuits.

"Now, listen up, boys and girls, no more than three each," Bill ordered, passing out the biscuit rations, in preparation for this latest trial run of the Rufus Maneuver.

Bill stood up as the mice fed milk bones to the red haired pup.

"I normally don't linger in front of a strange man's house..." the woman began.

"Well, I bet you don't take cans of tuna fish from them either!" Bill smiled at the woman, who all of a sudden looked uncomfortable standing on the front lawn dressed like a pussycat vixen.A Feline Femme Fatale.

"I feel like a fool," she confessed, grabbing at her tail with one hand, holding onto canned fish in the other. Bill realized, to his delight, that she was not the vixen she pretended to be. Instead, she was suddenly insecure, standing in leotards and long gloves in front of an attractive man.

"Are you kidding?" Bill asked, inspecting her in her costume. "You look...uh...you look..."

"Ridiculous?"

"Trust me, sweetheart, that's not what I was going to say."

She looked back at the agent, and handed the tuna back to him.

"Nah, you keep it."

She giggled at the thought, then laughed again.

"I don't have anywhere to put it?"

"No pockets?"

"Couldn't even squeeze in a set of keys..."

Bill smiled, appreciatively, then turned to watch as Rufus bounced around in front of the pair of mice that towered over him. Bill glanced back and forth between the kids and the woman in black, hoping that she could be convinced to accept a ride home tonight.

As the mice scurried on the lawn, the pussycat took possession of their baskets of candy. As other children approached, they gathered around Rufus and his rodent regiment. Every once in a while, when one of the pirates, witches or robots demanded a treat, the cat secretly dipped her black paw into one of her nephews' baskets, stole a sweet, then under the cover of darkness, secretly placed it in Bill's hand. She decided that she enjoyed watching him as he awkwardly passed them out. And each time they conducted the stealth maneuver, they exchanged playful, knowing smiles.


	6. Chapter 6 Bad Luck

**Chapter 6. Bad Luck**

"What was that?" the pussycat cat in heels shouted out. Although it was just the bang-banging of tinny garbage cans being tossed about in the back yard, the sudden noise was loud and completely unexpected.

"Oh, it's just the garbage bins out the back, sweetheart," Bill assured her. Just to be sure, he gently guided her by the arm and led her towards the children, towards the cover of the house. Bill cautiously walked towards the driveway, right hand gently touching the gun in his left side holster. Catlike himself, Bill glided town the driveway, and disappeared into the dark.

Within a few seconds, noises of more banging tin cans, high pitched yowls of a cat, and angry words of an agent caught off guard echoed from the back yard. A moment later, Bill returned to the front of the house only to find the mice, the dog and the cat standing near the safety of door. The cat's back was towards the street, as she crouched down and comforted the children, and held onto Rufus' collar.

Bill looked at the four of them, and smiled. They were his charge of friendly furry animals. They were, for the moment, all his. He came up behind them, and unexpectedly put his hand on his pussycat's shoulder, as he shouted "It's ok, troops! It's safe to come out now!"

His approach and his announcement were unexpected. The pussycat jumped up with a high pitched squeal, as she let go of Rufus' collar. She swung around, and grabbed onto his arms. Holding her and receiving her, Bill steadied her, as he quickly wrapped his arms around her waist.

Looking down into her eyes, Bill quietly whispered, half joking "Don't worry, darlin'. Agent Maxwell has neutralized the threat."

With a deep sigh and a deeper breath, she pulled herself into him, pressing her chest up against his. Although she was relieved to be in his arms, she felt less secure, knowing that her fate was no longer her own.

"What was it?" the pussycat asked, genuinely frightened, and completely under his control.

"Oh, nothing. I threw out some fish earlier tonight," Bill responded. "It was just some black cat grabbing a quick bite..."

Surprised, the woman tried to pull away against his firm hold. "Was that a black cat? Or a tuxedo?" She tried to pull away, only to have him pull her in closer.

"A tuxedo?" Bill asked, confused.

"Did it have any white? You know, on her paws, on her... chest." She pointed at her own chest, then looked at him, growing embarrassed as the last word passed her lips.

His heart skipped a beat.

"Does it matter?"

"A black cat, crossing your path on Halloween? Of course it matters."

"Darlin," Bill said, staring at her like a smitten schoolboy. "Tonight I can't believe a black cat crossing my path could possibly be bad luck..."

Realizing what he had just said, realizing how close he was holding her, this time it was Bill who began to look embarrassed. Still, he squeezed her gently.

There was no use hiding his feelings in subtle flirtation.

"Well, Agent Maxwell, would you at least lie to me?"

Without missing a beat, Bill looked at her and replied "It looked like it had a white goatee."

The two stared at each other for a moment. Their eyes began to close, as Bill leaned his head in towards her. Just as the two were about to kiss, the trash cans began to rattle once more.

"Damn," he whispered, as he moaned deeply, looking up past her pussycat ears, and off into the sky.

Just at that moment, Rufus caught a glimpse of the cat rushing out from beneath the hedges. Without missing a beat, he followed pursuit.

"Rufus! Rufus!" cried the two mice, as they pointed into the dark.

Bill quickly looked at the pussycat in his arms.

He had no choice.

He kissed her quickly on her lips, let her loose, and raced after the dog.


	7. Chapter 7 The Clean Up

**Chapter 7. The Clean Up**

Ralph Hinkley answered the door to find his partner, Bill Maxwell, standing head down in the doorway. As he crossed the threshold, Bill bit his lip, and kept his eyes to the ground, almost as if he was ashamed of himself.

Ralph followed after him, scratching his head.

"Bill, what the hell happened here last night? Rufus was a mess. And, and... and what happened to all our soup? The house was a disaster! The garbage cans in the back were all over the place!"

Bill replied, very calmly. "The cat wanted some fish..."

Ralph shook his head, confused, as well as in disbelief. "Uh, Bill, should I go put the suit on, and see if there's a translation feature built in? The cat? The fish? What are you talking about?"

Bill held his hand up to his head, and sighed deeply. Annoyed at the whole situation, he mumbled to himself "... and that wasn't even my fish!"

Pam emerged from the kitchen, holding a tray of coffee. She offered a cup to Ralph, and then reluctantly offered one to Bill. She stared at him for a few long seconds; it was obvious by the look on her face that she was not happy.

"We spent the entire morning cleaning up, Bill," she said between gritted teeth. "You mind explaining what happened?"

Bill sat down on the couch, staring into space, as he slumped over, and cradled the hot cup of coffee in his hands. He didn't know where to start.

"Bill, for crying out loud! Didn't you even give out any candy?"

Bill inhaled deeply, sat up straight, then turned to Ralph. His eyes grew small, and his face turned angry as he slowly and calmly stated "You didn't _leave_ any candy."

Pam and Ralph looked at Bill in amazement and disbelief. Bill's eyes followed along with theirs as they slowly moved their line of sight to an overflowing bowl of chocolate bars, candy and lollipops perched on top of the television set.

Bill stared at the bowl, released his body in a slump, then dropped his head in defeat, taking long, deep breaths. He tried to control himself, but he was having a difficult time.

Most certainly, a battle had been fought and lost in that house last night.

"Bill, I just can't believe you."

"I'm sorry, kids. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. I cracked. The kids, the little kids. They just kept coming. The door bell. Then Rufus got out. And the fish, and the cat..."

Ralph and Pam looked at each other confused. It was clear that Bill was simply out of his element last night. Satisfied that he had been punished enough, they left him alone to contemplate all that he had done.

And the cat... Bill sat back on the couch, silently sipping his coffee as he went over everything in his mind.

All night, all this morning, he tried to convince himself that it was all just a dream. That _she_ was just a dream. It was the only thing that would keep him sane, and save him from his own regrets. Anyway, there was no reason to think that she was ever there, or that she existed at all. There was no evidence, no proof, no reason to think that Bill had come across more than one black cat last night.

But if she did exist, he couldn't blame her for just walking away. After all, she wasn't the sort of woman who typically stood outside of strange men's houses on Halloween Eve.

By the time he returned, with Rufus in his arms, she was gone.

"Stupid dog," Bill muttered to Rufus, who was curled up at his side. "Who cares about you, anyway?" He knew he couldn't really blame Rufus, but he wondered what might have happened if he had not felt so obligated to run after him.

He wondered what might have happened with a few more moments under the Halloween moon.

Bill sighed deeply, considering all the bad luck that black cat brought his way. Finally, he silently confessed everything to himself. "Well, I guess it wasn't a tuxedo cat, after all."

A few long minutes later, Ralph rejoined his partner on the couch.

"Bill, well, we know you feel bad. I guess Pam and I really shouldn't have asked you to watch the house. Well, what I want to say is that we're sorry."

Bill nodded his head, still shell shocked and deep in thought. Finally, he looked up at Ralph.

"Well kid, if it's ok by you, I think I am just going to try to forget that last night ever happened at all."

With a smile, and a pat on the shoulder, Ralph answered with his trademark response "Works for me."

As he got up to join Pam in the other room, Ralph added "You know, Pam's suit was a big hit last night."

Bill just nodded, in silent acknowledgment.

"Oh, and one last thing." Ralph reached into his pocket, pulling out a small sheet of paper. "Did you happen to find a set of keys here last night?"

A bit confused, Bill looked up to his friend, and shook his head.

"Some woman came by, early this morning, thinking you lived here. She left her name and number, just in case you ever find her keys."

Bill reached out and snatched the piece of paper from Ralph's hand. He looked down at his best friend, Rufus, and smiled. Bill didn't seem to notice that Ralph was also looking down, smiling at his own best friend.

"You're off the hook this time, I suppose."

As Bill headed towards the door, he stared at the name and number, quickly committing it to memory. He didn't want to lose it. After all, his luck could, once again, change in the blink of an eye, or with the unexpected yowl of a pussycat all in black.

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THE END?


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